I was newly-arrived in the Philippines at a huge outdoor auction buying some cars for my boss/brother-in-law. It was very early in the morning, but the place was packed, as was the Quonsett hut/office I was in. I settled down in a plastic chair to wait for business to start, and began playing with my new cell phone. Engrossed as I was, I noticed after a while that a song was playing over the loud-speakers, and everyone had gotten very quiet. I looked up and saw everyone standing still, and said loud enough for all to hear, “Oh, this is the national Anthem.” All turned slightly to look at the stupid American. I stayed in my chair but I stopped playing with my phone out of respect.
- gertiesanchez@yahoo.com

One time I was waiting in line for a concert and this “homeless” woman is going up the line asking people for spare change, while riding a Rascal. You know, those little electric wheelchair things.

She gets to me and I said that I refused to give her any spare change, but I did have a hundred dollar bill that I’d give her for her Rascal. She turned my offer down.

What sort of world do we live in when hobos get around better than I do?
- pj@geekass.com

5:30 in the goddamn morning, and that stupid bitch across the street has her car stereo cranked up and the doors open while she is still in the house getting ready for work. Like you have to warm up the sound system or something… uh huh.
I’d had enough, so I snatch up the baseball bat and stomp across in my pajamas, ready to kill.
“Look!” I scream into the house through the screen door. “I can hear your shit all the way over there. Turn it down NOW!”
She scampers outside, turns it down, and retreats back into her house, saying not word one.
“Who knew I could be so scary?” I said to my husband as I crawled back into bed. “She didn’t say a thing.”
“Hon” he points out. “Your top is totally unbuttoned.”
Free show and no bloodshed… bitch got off easy this time.
- cheerleaderatyercrotch@hotmail.com

you know people are really lame and reading way too much into the simplest shit when they
a assume the shite i write is poetry instead of being too fucking lazy to punctuate or hit the damn shift key
b intellectual
read that
something to fear cos they have a hard time reading anything that isnt first chewed up and attached to a pretty colorful pie chart ala usatoday
c postmodern
whatever the fuck that is
jese
get a fuckng life you over intellectualizing
self agrandizing
mutherfuckers
about ninetyninepointnine percent of those reading know
the shits just lowbrow
read that in either perspective oh i mean point of view
is that easier
or in subject matter
whatthefuck
- sorry_e_e@hotmail.com

I was looking at porn when my half-blind grandmother came walking up the front steps to drop off some dinner for me. I didn’t even bother to close the window, so if it wasn’t for her bad eye, she’d be able to clearly read the blinking “Anal University” logo and a girl being invaded by two giant cocks.

The window is still open as we speak.
- disgustinggrandson@ungrateful.com

[ sigh ]

Look. You need equally enormous amounts of cash and penis, okay? That’s all she’s looking for, in that order.

It’s disgraceful to see grown adults who still apparently desperately want to beleive in the Tooth Fairy.
- grayman@nwlink.com

About a year ago I worked at McDonald’s, it wasn’t that bad of a job becasue the manager would buy me and my firends alcohol, not to mention she had some really good weed hookups. But you know you are a sad excuse for a human being when you look forward to going to work so you can get lit and mess with customers.

I still think that some of it was pretty funny

me: “what can I get for you?”

lady: “just a sec.”

me: “I’m sorry we don’t sell time”

classic
- fastfoodsucks@hotmail.com

met a man on the bus once who had a bag full of thosee peephole lenses that are on doors , he told me a story how he and his buddy spent all night unscrewing these things and how proud of themselfs they were.

by comparison I had accomplished less the same night they made thier score
- puretrichomes@yahoo.com

There are two kids who live on my floor who are pretty cool, Joe and Eric. Joe and Eric went out to Remi’s which is the local 18+ to drink bar in the city, and meet up with these two girls there that go to a different bar onthe VERRRRRRRRRY very outskirts of the city, while our school is right near the center.. anyway. Joe and Eric have much smoothness ability with the ladies, not unlike your fair narrator, so the girls decide as a team to say “Ok, lets go hook up at your dorms later.” Except the girls’ friends say to them “Hey, wait, you just met these guys and now you’re going back to their dorms to hook up with them that isn’t smart.” So they convince them to drag Joe and Eric back to the girls’ school, and take the college’s bus back to campus.

When they get back to the school, Joe’s girl sees what else just as she gets off the bus but her boyfriend. Hilarity ensues.

So after narrowly missing a fight Joe and Eric and Eric’s girl go back to the girl’s dorm room. Eric and his chick start to snuggle up closely and Joe is wasted off his rocker right now so he passes out on the room’s floor. Eric’s girl’s roommate then falls asleep, being as it’s 3am, so Eric and his girl decide “Carpe Noctum” and start banging away, and they do this for a little while and it was good until the door to the room opened.

And in the middle of the doorway stood a girl. And she was pissed. And she was screaming.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU LITTLE SLUT, YOU JUST MET THIS GUY AND NOW YOU’RE FUCKING HIM? ARE YOU AN IDIOT, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM AND over and over and over and at the top of her bloody fucking lungs so that the entire Residence Hall comes out and sees this scene, which is Eric standing there, bare-ass naked with a condom on.

Eric DOES NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS BULLSHIT so rouses Joe and they take the walk of shame down to the RIPTA public bus stop to wait for a ride near to school. And they wait for forty-five minutes and the bus never comes. And they are hotheaded, Eric having been the victim of the ultimate cockblock and Joe seeing pink elephants so they see these newspaper cases that they sell papers out on the street for two quarters and can think of no better way to vent their frustration and anger than to destroy the bus stop. So they’re in the midst of throwing the Providence Journal case through the fourth pane of glass and CRASH BOOM BANG oh shit the bus is here. The bus driver calls the cops, and Eric and Joe have to drunkenly book it out of there.

Through the woods.

And Joe steps in a four-inch deep pile of dog shit.

They finally catch a cab home, at a price of fifty bucks. They didn’t get laid, and they’re wanted by the police.

Ah, college.
- postapocalypticsleaze@hotmail.com

The creepy old lady with a million smelly cats crawling around her house—-that’s where I’ll be in another few years.
- DasVeilchen@www.com