January 2010
65 posts
1 tag
Philippines
I was newly-arrived in the Philippines at a huge outdoor auction buying some cars for my boss/brother-in-law. It was very early in the morning, but the place was packed, as was the Quonsett hut/office I was in. I settled down in a plastic chair to wait for business to start, and began playing with my new cell phone. Engrossed as I was, I noticed after a while that a song was playing over the...
Rascal
One time I was waiting in line for a concert and this “homeless” woman is going up the line asking people for spare change, while riding a Rascal. You know, those little electric wheelchair things. She gets to me and I said that I refused to give her any spare change, but I did have a hundred dollar bill that I’d give her for her Rascal. She turned my offer down. What sort of...
1 tag
Cheerleaderatyercrotch
5:30 in the goddamn morning, and that stupid bitch across the street has her car stereo cranked up and the doors open while she is still in the house getting ready for work. Like you have to warm up the sound system or something… uh huh. I’d had enough, so I snatch up the baseball bat and stomp across in my pajamas, ready to kill. “Look!” I scream into the house through the...
1 tag
k
you know people are really lame and reading way too much into the simplest shit when they a assume the shite i write is poetry instead of being too fucking lazy to punctuate or hit the damn shift key b intellectual read that something to fear cos they have a hard time reading anything that isnt first chewed up and attached to a pretty colorful pie chart ala usatoday c postmodern whatever the fuck...
1 tag
Anal University
I was looking at porn when my half-blind grandmother came walking up the front steps to drop off some dinner for me. I didn’t even bother to close the window, so if it wasn’t for her bad eye, she’d be able to clearly read the blinking “Anal University” logo and a girl being invaded by two giant cocks. The window is still open as we speak. -...
1 tag
One of two
[ sigh ] Look. You need equally enormous amounts of cash and penis, okay? That’s all she’s looking for, in that order. It’s disgraceful to see grown adults who still apparently desperately want to beleive in the Tooth Fairy. - grayman@nwlink.com
1 tag
McDonalds
About a year ago I worked at McDonald’s, it wasn’t that bad of a job becasue the manager would buy me and my firends alcohol, not to mention she had some really good weed hookups. But you know you are a sad excuse for a human being when you look forward to going to work so you can get lit and mess with customers. I still think that some of it was pretty funny me: “what can I get...
1 tag
peephole
met a man on the bus once who had a bag full of thosee peephole lenses that are on doors , he told me a story how he and his buddy spent all night unscrewing these things and how proud of themselfs they were. by comparison I had accomplished less the same night they made thier score - puretrichomes@yahoo.com
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College
There are two kids who live on my floor who are pretty cool, Joe and Eric. Joe and Eric went out to Remi’s which is the local 18+ to drink bar in the city, and meet up with these two girls there that go to a different bar onthe VERRRRRRRRRY very outskirts of the city, while our school is right near the center.. anyway. Joe and Eric have much smoothness ability with the ladies, not unlike...
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Tuna
The creepy old lady with a million smelly cats crawling around her house—-that’s where I’ll be in another few years. - DasVeilchen@www.com
Ben Hur
Hmm It’s Friday, four hours of work to go. Tonight I will be either humping an ex Hooters waitress or watching 4 hours of Ben Hur while drinking Miller High Life and passing gas. I have no control over which one will happen. I only know that those are the only two possible outcomes of this evening. Imay have to jerk off on Charlton Hestons face… - greatnate@lycos.com
1 tag
Two in the mouth
I was in a buddy’s wedding, he was marrying a girl from college not an attractive girl, but “one in the hand…” We were at the rehersal and her sister who I was walking with said, in front of everyone, “I sure hope I don’t trip and fall” I replied “I will laugh and point if you do!” She runs of crying, and this was no track star run either as I...
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Plan
Walk up to someone holding a drink and ask them to hold your drink. Now you can reach out and pinch their nipple. You might lose your drink, - snikrepkire@hotmail.com
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San Fran
The motto for Pizza Orgasmica: “We never fake it.” Only in San Francisco - bite-me@mindspring.com
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Ride me like a pony
truth is i dont want the truth said he to me his girlfriend had attempted to ride me like a pony while i slept the sleep of drunks i woke up freaked and shoved her to the floor where she dislocated her finger and screamed waking the whole house i looked at him and realized that i really didnt want to explain it either burbon is great protection from the truth said i the makersmark disappeared so...
1 tag
Mrs. Peebody
One day Heather Kirkes was in gym class, playing dodge ball. “I was behind this one really cute guy, waiting for him to turn around so I could stare at his dick bulge.” When another girl saw Heather staring at the young man, she threw the ball in his direction. He “dodged” out of the way, and Heather got pegged hard in the face. “The ball knocked me right on my...
1 tag
Closet Amateur Porn Star
One month into my five and a half month student exchange it turns out my girlfriend of one year has a thing for taking pictures and videos of herself. Just my fucking luck to date a closet amateur porn star and not find out until I’m 5000 miles away. - far@away.com
1 tag
King
We were all eating hamburgers and mike has just finished his 5th one. Someone commented that mike was the hamburger eating king. I laughed with the rest of them. But it was hard. I had always thought of myself as the hamburger eating king. - redfox666@hotmail.com
1 tag
Milkshakes
My ex roommate moved in with me because his mom kicked him out. I had another roommate. When Ex and I wanted to have sex with out the other guy knowing, we told him we wanted milkshakes from Jack In The Box. We would go to the elementary school and have sex on the kindergarten lunch tables, buy the milkshakes, then go home, telling my other roomie that the shake machine at one was broken so we had...
1 tag
Squiggy
every saturday morning whilst having a shower i got into the habit of sticking my finger up my butt (i liked to call it rimming). I must admit i did get pleasure out of it. it got to the point where i used to knock one off whilst rimming myself. One day i stuck it up a bit too far, feeling something squiggy, it was fantastic. I havent rimmed myself since as i am scared. - maxleballe@yahoo.com
Doggy Style
so i dreamt i met god and god was a woman and like you do we decided to have sex and turns out god likes it doggy style so i’m kneeling behind her and i think to myself, “well, as long as i’m back here” and i fuck god up the ass. - hifimofo@asm.org
1 tag
Non-Fiction
i’m a bookseller at a huge, chain-run, corporate bookstore. my favorite question to be asked is, Where is non-fiction section? dumb fucks. the whole store is non-fiction except for the fucking FICTION section. - and_then_i_woke_up@hotmail.com
1 tag
Tarp
I don’t know why he keeps screwing her. He knows its a trap. We’ve seen her do it before. But he keeps on doing it. I just hate the fact that his room smells like her when we do it. - ahead6@hotmail.com
1 tag
Joneser
Nik’s dad came home and ran into the kitchen, eyed us all suspiciously, climbed on top of the table, and smelled the ceiling. We sat around the spotless table, not breathing, not moving, speechless. “I CAN SMELL IT. WHO’S GOT THE WEED?” Old fucking joneser. - snikrepkire@hotmail.com
1 tag
Anal Fissure
It’s about 9:30pm on a Sunday, and I’m in bed, partly because I was out all day, partly because I have a touch of sun stroke, partly because we played two games of softball, and partly because my brother called at 8am and again at 8:30am, but mostly, I am in bed because I am recovering from an ANAL FISSURE. Ever had chapped lips so bad they cracked and bled? Imagine that happening to...
1 tag
Clean shaven
I’m not sure if I’m more enlightened now that someone’s told me explicitly how to shave my ass crack. - razor@burn.com
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Porkapine
quote and i will duct tape a porkapine to a telephone pole and beat you within a telephone pole of your very life endquote - sorry_e_e@hotmail.com
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Mystery
Again!! White shirt, blue bellybutton lint! Confused… - kenneth.wood@mildenhall.af.mil
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And pee
Eat a can of beets. That’ll put some color in yer shit. - erfatron@yahoo.com
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Pot
I smoked all day today, completely by myself. Didn’t eat much all day. The munchies finally kicked in. I just ate A LOT of ketchup. - collegegirl@milwaukee.com
1 tag
Nope, only porn
I used to be optimistic about the world, carefree about life, hopeful about my future, while posessing a high regard for my fellow human beings. Now I am not so foolish. This transition is largely due to the internet. It’s not just for porn any more! - dddmmmttt@yahoo.com
1 tag
Oedipus
While Jerking off one day, the most horrible thing ever happened to me. As I blew my load, the image of my mothers face moaning as she had the orgasm that spawned me flashed into my mind and stayed there. Vomiting. A few cold showers. I have not looked at porn or jerked off since. - scarred@forlife.com
1 tag
Everyone Loves
Coming to the end of a hard days work at the office I lean back in my chair to relax, only to notice that the pair of pants I had worn that day had a small hole in them. Noticing a piece of cotton sticking of the hole I forgot all about what my mother had told me about pulling them and took a firm hold of the offending thread, and tuggerd….hard… It was only when my eyes started...
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Latex
So me and my first girlfriend just started sleeping together but we’re using the good old pull-out method for the first few. I decide after, you know, not sleeping for a few nights until she told me she got her period, that it would be a good idea to invest in some condoms. Yeah, so we try it once and it’s all good and stuff but the next time I see her she refuses. I can’t get...
1 tag
Gayle
Just for kicks I google-searched the last name of my first grade girlfriend and the small town we lived in at the time in Massachusetts. Lo and behold, there is a hit on one website. I click on the website…..some wierd german language stuff comes up….then a bunch of pop-ups of sex sites showing people doing anal. So that’s what Gayle’s up to now. - anonymous@famous.com
1 tag
Naive
My mind blown once again from watching some TV show about people caught on video tape doing all kinds of shocking things. I guess the ones about decent people don’t get broadcast, just the ones about secret sickos. The ones that really astonish me are the semi-public sex ones. Some people make some CRUDE passes and take some pretty insane chances! Shows like this prove how naive I am. -...
1 tag
Love
Awake… what the hell is that sound??? it’s the phone… “So, you gonna call it in?” she asks in a voice much more awake than mine. “It’s 7am… you have school, but I’m in bed” “please…” in the voice of a beautiful girl that you cannot refuse, even if she’s not staring at you with her huge brown eyes… “In...
1 tag
Farming
Picking mushrooms out in the middle of a cow field, and the farmer shows up out of nowhere. “What’re y’all doing?” Uh, nothing sir, looking for my dog. “Get the fuck outta here, and leave the mushrooms.” - anonymous@famous.com
1 tag
Truth
The best sexual partners are gals who are: 1. embarrassed about having certain kinds of sex 2. have doubts about their physical appearance 3. downwplay their sexuality in the way they dress 4. are intelligent 5. have imagination 6. have a sense of humor - tastykisser@yahoo.com
2 tags
1.99/minute
the phone bill came. talking to the boy is costing me dearly. i owe more to AT&T than i do in rent. phone sex costs money. - eatmychach@billybob.com
2 tags
Pube-locks
I think im going to put my pubic hair into dreadlocks. - Iam@yourhouse.com
2 tags
Yum
Last weekend I got drunk for the first time and smoked 3/4 of a pack of unfiltered cigarettes recommended by the cig shop guy as highest in nicotine content. I don’t smoke. - nodaisy@all.yahoo
2 tags
Heef Heff
so this dude is showing off his new dog its some little jack russell and it looks ill and figgety so hes proudly blabbing on about how it kills every living vermin in his neighborhood and deposits it on his doorstep suddenly the pooch is heefing and heffing and it hurks up a small furry mangled thing right at its masters feet puts his paw on it and looks up at his master who promptly heefs and...
2 tags
Brother
I was pretty good friends with her brother before we started dating. We are sitting at his house talking, and she is telling us about her trip to the eye doctor. I lean over to her bro and say, “Yeah, I keep telling her that semen will clear up that astigmatism.” He just stares at me. Then I realize who I am talking to. Shit. - cloak@dagger.com
2 tags
No longer so amusing
See, I always wear this long black coat unless it’s too hot. Lately I’ve been considering getting a pet rat or snake to put inside and really scare the hell out of people. It would be more fun if I lived in a big city. - maurice-zodiacs@excite.com
2 tags
The Aussie Slanguage
The Aussie Slanguage - Key terms in no particular order. ~~~~ You can’t polish a turd. ~~~~ - jane_bondage007@hotmail.com
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Messing with other drivers' minds #17:
Messing with other drivers’ minds #17: When some car flashes it’s lights so you’ll get out of the fast lane and out of their way. Put your turn signal on to show you’re planning to switch lanes. Slow down. Keep your turn signal on. Do not switch lanes. Keep slowing down. I find I can usually get down to about 40mph before they realize they’ve been had :-) When they...
Love
So there we were, talking about relationships and friends and other semi-deep things, when she said, “I can’t believe they’re still together after all they’ve been through.” Not knowing exactly to whom she was referring, I said, “Who?” “My buttcheeks,” she said. - imbibing@localbar.com
2 tags
Moongoose Anal Secretions
Dude…me and a friend were settling in for a long night of drinking and video games when I realized we were out of Coke(my preferred mixer for scotch. Having only scotch and no other alcohol, and not ready for straight straight stuff due to a hangover, I improvised. There was plenty of Mountain Dew, so I gave it a whirl. It tasted like Mountain Dew, but got you drunk. Ordinarily, that...
2 tags
Barium
If you ever have the chance to drink barium, do it. You get constipated for a day or two, then you shit white. Let me repeat myself. YOU WILL SHIT WHITE. Damn straight I called all my friends and my girl into the bathroom to look at it. - eraserhead@snet.net